Tender Socks: True Passions Untold
by XxBeelzegoat666TsunamixX
Summary: A timeless love story featuring two misunderstood kindred spirits just waiting for some magic to happen. This story may take place in Hogwarts, but that's not where the magic is coming from! Hilarity ensues. Harry/Dobby HOTTT u don't wanna miss this (Possible LEMON?)
1. Chapter 1

/{DISCLAIMER WE DONT OWN HARRY POTTER OR THE CHARACTERS OKAY AND WERE NOT SPONSORED BY FOUR LOKO OR ANy OF THE COOL BANDS WE LIStED))))

Chapter 1: Captive Master on the Wind

Harry sat awake on his bed, all sad. He couldn't sleep, as usual. Living in this hecking heck-hole of a household was absolute torture. Privet Drive. Ugh. He wished that his friend, Ronald, would come save him in his dad's cool car that flies.

"Boy, I wish my friend, Ronald, would come save me in his dad's cool car that flies," Harry sighed.

Harry winced as he heard the distinct sound of a slow Dudley fart coming through the paper-thin walls of that heck-hole they called a house.

"That stinx," sighed Harry.

All Harry had wanted this whole entire summer was a friend and a Four Loko to call his own. Fat chance. He was thinking wholeheartedly about how much fun his friends, Roland and Hermoioned were prolly having without him. With magic and cool wands and cool sweaters that Ronald's mother had knitted them. And maybe drugs like whip-its. But enough about that. Back to Harry.

Harry tooted in fright when he heard a pretty serious sounding loud old crash from somewhere. Who knows where?

He got up to go use the restroom like a big boy ought to because he felt it would be improper of a boy his age and stature to not go to the restroom after such tooting had occured. Even though he never knew his dead mum, he knew that she would had told him to go toot in the toilet bowl, and not on his pillow, therefore giving him a ripe case of pink eye like my friend Jessica has.

Upon sitting unto the toilet, Harry noticed some hemorrhoids. He noted, with pleasure and chagrin, that his friend, Hermione's name was very close to hemorrhoids.

"Get ye back in there, ye pesky hemorrhoid," Harry said through a sigh. He popped em back in and left the bathroom. I mean restroom. Sorry.

Bored as heck, Harry went ahead and scrolled through Tindr lackadaisically. Seeing all those desperate heckboys made Harry sigh with disappointment. None of them were really his type. Fourteen year-old Harry wasn't sure _WHAT_ was his type!

Harry laugh-sighed when he saw that he had matched with a girl named Trisha Furry Star 67. What a silly goose this girl must be. But alas, not his type tbh. She's wolf-kin, he's not. She's a Gemini, he's a Leo.

Trisha Furry Star 67 was a girl of very average proportions. She had a normal height and weight and brown hair. Her boobs were a little small. Her parents recently got divorced, and she's sad about it. She got on Tindr because she thought it would give her a sense of community. Instead, she just felt a sense of being crying.

Harry heard a loud crash again. From somewhere, probably outside. He didn't toot this time, so we can finally find out what it was. Harry sighed and slowly but surely walked at a Daniel Radcliffe snail's pace over to the barred window of his room. He leaned on the window sill of the window and looked out of the window upon a silly sight!

"Who the heck are you!?" sighed Harry.

Harry was looking out upon through the window bars a silly sight of some sort of silly looking creature with big ol ears and big ol eyes and a big ol heart probably but he wasn't sure about that JUST YET…

This creature, who was probably a house elf that Harry had been told about when he went to Hogwarts, his school. Was tiny and little and a little hairy but not much and had big eyes and looked meek. He was decidedly male, despite his androgynous fashion-sack that he wore upon his bod much like a toga would be worn in either ancient Greece or a frat house party. Instead of a belt, he wore an old piece of floss around his waist. You could see some chunks of corn from whosever teeth had been flossed with it. The belt was doing nothing for the house elf's figure. Also, he was driving a really cool flying car that flies! It looked exactly remarkably like Roldands dad's cool flying car! It must have been a replica! Wow!

"Harry Potter," cried the house elf,

"Dobby heard that you, the chosen boy, were all alone and on tindr and didn't find a person that you liked, especiallly not Trisha Furry Star 67. Dobby came to save you from this stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid place that you hate and do not have fun at!"

All this was a bit much for Harry to take in at the moment. He decided to not reply. He did what he always did when he was overwhealmed and needed to think. He fingered his Rubik's cube thoughtfully, and a little provocatively. Dobby's eyes lingered a bit too long on Harry's fourteen year old elegant pianist fingers, then looked deeply into Harry's eyes.

"Dobby is here to spring you."

Without a moment's notice or warning, Dobby, in one fell swoop, tore the bars off Harry's heck hole of a window with his cool car, and grabbed Harry by the wrist. It wasn't altogether unpleasurable. Dobby hoisted Harry up out of the window room sill house and into his hot shot ride and propelled him directly into the passenger's seat.

"Dobby got ye a present," Dobby pleaded happily as he reached under his seat and revealed a Four Loko. He gave it directly to Harry Potter, the chosen one.

"Oh Boy! A Four Loko! It's even black cherry, my favorite treat!" sighed Harry. Dobby floored it. Harry couldn't help but feel a little vulnerable with his life in the tiny, withered, weakling arms of a small tiny greyish house elf who was presumably already smashed on a Four Loko of his own.

"Dobby, who are you and how do you know about me? And also where are we going? Also is this your car? And do you have any napkins? I seem to have spilt my black cherry Four Loko NON-alcoholic beverage all over me hands and a little bit on my inner thigh!" sighed Harry.

Dobby said nothing, either because he was too cool or too far gone to respond. Instead, he gestured with his one free hand (the other being draped cooly over the steering wheel like a cool man driving a truck or a dodge charger) over to the glove compartment of the flying vehicle. Harry took this as a signal to check the glove compartment for some napkins. Harry opened the glove compartment, and much to his chagrin out tumbled about seven Four Loko cans already drank and crushed by Dobby's forehead. Out spilled a Blue Hurricane Four Loko, a Strawberry Lemonade Four Loko, an Uva Berry Four Loko, two Coco Loko Four Lokos, a Watermelon Four Loko, and another Uva Berry Four Loko. ALL EMPTY! Dobby was indeed McShwasted. Harry was about to McFreakin lose it, when he caught a glimpse of the sultry brown crepey paper of a withered taco bell napkin hiding among the glistening Four Loko cans. AT LAST! Sweet releif from the sticky, gummy, sugared, sucrose, saccharin, dextrose, sweet and non-alcoholic juices that had evaporated at this point upon his fingies and inner thigh. Unfortunately, the juices had all but dried up on him to form an impenetrable layer of sticky juices from Four Loko.

"Aw, the juices have dried," sighed Harry.

Dobby chimed in, "Spit on it, Harry Potter!"

"WHAaaaaaa?" sighed Harryd.

It was then that Harry realized that Dobby was instructing him to spit on the Four Loko juices, and NOT anything eltz.

"Here. Pick one." Dobby said, shoving a wad of CDs into HArry's lap. Among the selection was Daughtry, the Blink182 Bhudda album, Andrew WK, Skillet, Nickleback, three copies of the same Three Doors Down album, and Lana del Ray. And others.

Harry went with the second of the three copies of the same Three Doors Down album. The album was entitled "Us and the Night". Harry thought it fitting.

Hey guys and girls and everyone else! Thanks for supporting our very first Fan Fiction EVER. We have never before written a fan fiction, especially not about a boy that we stalk. NEVER. NEway, stay tuned to see what happens next on Dobby and Harry's silly adventure! You never know where the the world will take you!

" _Where there is love there is life." -Ghandi_


	2. Chapter 2 Timid Beginnings in a Stran

DISCLAIMER: WE DONT OWN HARRY POTTER OR FOUR LOKO OR ZAK BAGANS

Chapter 2: Timid Beginnings in a Strange New World Except Its Hogwarts and He's Been There Before

Harry was careening down the highway I mean sky with a crazy drunk little house elf raisin man and had never felt more alive. He could see some clouds, some migrating geese, some dragonflies that were really high up, some grey clouds, and some greenhouse gas emissions that most likely came from the states but we're not sure. The ol' US of A. Classic.

"Whoa, Dobby, slow down there!" Harry sighed, "you're gonna make me piddle my widdle trousers."

Dobby did not slow down, in fact, he sped up. But only a little, so Harry couldn't tell. Dobby's shoeless, grey, dead, brownish foot sat upon the gas pedal in the most peculiar way. His foot arched much like a beautiful woman's back mid-coitus. Harry eyed the foot nauseously, noting the single thick, glossy hair sitting upon Dobby's middlest toe. Cool.

Harry felt queasy in his Dweebits.

"Dobby, c'mon!"

Dobby still said nothing as he kept being too fast for school. Dobby spit up a little bit from the mass quantities of four loko ravaging his system. He managed to sputter past the purple-brown spittle on his lips,

"Harry Potter is in grave danger!" Dobby said the word grave with the girthiest "r" that Harry had ever set ears upon. Harry couldn't focus because he was distracted by that too-girthed up "r".

Alarmed, Harry sighed, "What kind of donger, my new friend called Dobby?"

" "

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that," Harry sighed, demandingly but also courteously. Curtsey. Curt Seep.

"Dobby is not able to tell Harry Potter what it is outright. Dobby must tell Haryr Pooter through silly riddles!"

"Well go on then!" Harry sighed with a thick cockney accent.

"Okay. I'm tall whe-"

"PISS OFF"

"..."

"..."

"I'm tall when I'm young and I'm short when I'm old. What am I?" Dobby continued, unperturbed.

"Well...I'd have to wager to reckon a bet on a bear and say that the answer is...a candle?" Harry sighed, thoughtfully.

Dobby nodded in confirmation. He also let out a little burping gas that had been waiting for a good opportunafish to come out. This was that opportunity.

"Throw away the outside and cook the inside, then eat the outside and throw away the inside. What is it?"

"Hmmmm...OH I KNOW I KNOW OKAY corn on the cob, because you throw away the husk, cook and eat the kernels, and throw away the cob!" Harry was really freaking assing taingintgd pround.

"I know because I remember this one time when I went to a Barbie with the mates and there was corn on the cob, NOT OFF THE COB being Barbied on the  
Baribe and I remember that it tasted so sweet in my mouth. Butter dribbling down the corners of my mouth like a baby's spittle from breastfeeding and then my neck got all stinky also much like a newborn baby suckling! Oh, how I remember the way the koalas stared at me in wonder and amazement at my ability to chug mass amounts of butterfat! What a lovely Barbie that was with the mates. Indeed. Yes." Harry sighed.

"If exactly three Bocks, then how many poodles on a blue moon?"

This one was a toughie.

"Wait...I think I've got this one...Tom Riddle?"

"YESF" The answer was correct.

"Well who in the blue toot moon kmeeeneemkk is Tom Riddle and why the whole entire dook should I care about some STUpid boy or man or girl or woman or non-gender conforming person named that name? :3" Harry was irate.

Dobbty squeaked a little but not in a cute way.

"That is all Dobby can say for now…"

The two boys looked at each other in knowing silence. They knew. Ummmmmmmmmm I dunno Dobby licked his lips but not in a cute way? Dobby, seeing that the pair was about to approach Hogwarts, pumped the brakes in way that looked hopefully really cool to all the students, but mostly Harry. The moment was getting heavy with a big ol sort of fog but it wasn't real fog it was more like butter. Brakes a-pumpin, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN there was a cuhhhraaaaaaazy big whomp of some sort on the big ol hecker of the car.

"OHHHHHH NOOOOoYYRRRRR! I think we're being whomped by some sort of tree! A pine, mayhaps?" Harry sighed.

It was a willow. Obvs.

Some crazy sound effects happened along with a lot of documentary-style camera shaking, and long story short, the car got all fudged up by a big cool tree that is alive and stuff and it like ruined the car FOR LIFE.

Harry sighed indignantly and sighed, "OMG Dobby, what in the great name of Zak Bagans was that?!"

No response. Harry thought for a little baby tiny infant smaller than a mouse-toot moment that Dobby wasn't responding because he might be hurt, or worse, expelled! But then, Harry looked to his right BECAUSE WE ARE IN ENGLAMD REMEMBER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA to the driver's side and saw not a single house elf in sight! Where could Dobby have gone so quickly? It was like magic!? Harry went to a magic show once. When he was about seven.

* * *

Three hours later….

Harry had left the car. The cool flying one which resembled in an uncanny fashion Roland's dad's cool car that flies! Harry was now in the Great Hall, about to have some gr8 grub with his favorite pals, Hermione and Ron Weasley. Sometimes Neville was there too but he wansn't a Weasley. Neither was Hermione. But oh well. We can't all be Weaslies.

Ron was going on and on endlessly about what a banging cool summer he had had at Chez Weasley.

"There was a sweater and some brothers and a firework and I saw two cats, two toads, and I picked up a rock!...but do y'all wanna hear about the coolest part of my summer?"

Summer Lovin' from the hit musical and my personal absolute favorite musical Grease the musical began to fade in over the great hall speakers.

Then it stopped and we forgot all about it.

"I did a realllllllly cool stunt. It was bangin. I'm sure you all (y'all) have all already heard about it though...l"

Every single anime nerd at the table yelled at Ron and were all like "NO we wanna hear! It sounds cooooool! I havne't heard jack-SHIT about it!?IHAVEAKATANA :3"

"Well….Basically I stole my dad's cool car that flies and drove it in a single joy ride all the way to Gogwarts today! My dumb old dad who I love fiercely and would protect in an armed robbery was so chuffed off about it! I hate him jk"

Hermione reached up her skirt to do the ol' scratch n' sniff.

"Oh sick," she said to herself, "Ronald, I can't believe you did that crazy Stupid stupid stipud stupid stunt…..Without inviting me! Just like Sean White would."

"Oh SHUT IT Hermione! I CANT BELIEVE you are the top of our class and also the world's biggest pothead!"

Everyone sneered and also snickered and snickers bars. (AN: I found a whole king sized snickers bar outside the movie theater the other night. It was only a little melted and unopened if anyone wants it PM me)

"Well...it's Five O'clock Somewhere." Hermione said with a large grin and a patented virgin Hogwarts Margarita in hand.

Harry hadn't told anyone about his special new friend and cool ride to school yet. He didn't plan to …..

"So, Harry. C'mon. Gimme the deets. How bout you? You have any special new friends this summer? How much puss didja get huh? C'mon. You didn't answer any of my owls or emails or texts or snapchats or letters carried by my owl. This summer. What of it? Come off it, mate! SOD OFF!"

Ron had talked himself silly right into oblivion, which was lucky for Harry because Harry did not at this time wish to divulge his secret summer shenannies (the Barbie) just yet.

The big fat dirty room called the great hall became silent with a pregnant pause of quietness when Albus Dumbledore came on in like he owned the place or something. Following him were all the teachers. I mean professors. Sorry. There was Trelawney who was some kind of hippie freak. She taught divination which nobody believes in anyway except for all the cool trendy witchy vibes tarot girls. They loved her but also made fun of her because she smelled and actually believed in divination.

There was McGonAggle, she was a country girl at heart. She wore a witches hat, duh, but all bedazzled in turquoise crosses, a flowing but really thick and ugly and heavy cowhide cape. It was NOT hypoallergenic. Harry sneezed as she walked in. She also wore a nice plain dress that was plain and just fine. AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF she wore thigh-high cowWOMAN boots with really shiny embroidered flowers of Texas and also a bird and also a cat and also a frog, and an american flag and a rifle. She also had a camo bandanna coming out of her breast pocket to remind her of her roots. She was also blonde. And not Professor McGonagall at all.

OMG also Hagrid was there and he was like the whole CCOOLEST person ever and the gang really loved having a hootenanny or two in his hut. The reason he was so cool was because he also grew weed in his hut. That's why he has like that big dog too. Plus it's cute. Fang is his name.

And then there was Snape. The ol' Nape of the Neck himself.

And the rest.

So Dumb ol Dumbledore the Dorkus went on about his bad self for a bit and it was kinda boring I'm not gonna lie to yall. BUT THEN he announced kind of the coolest news ever!

"Hey everyone. Hey guys, listen up. Guys, come on then. Okay...1...2...3….okay that didn't work...Everyone? Hello? Alright kids quiet down now...settle down..I know the first day is exciting...just….come on now...alright…."

Dumbledore realized that all these rowdy rascally horny teens children were too loud and would never listen to an old fool like himslef...Unless…

Dumble dore did one of those teacher things where he clapped 5 times all rhythmically and stuff. The whole room got quiet as the teen youths repeated the cult-like clap back (clapback….hahah. Ass clap.) to him and were like quiet.

"Okay guys so what I was tryna say...it's me. Dumbledorkin to the rescue me lads. Lol. jk. I'm funny when u get to know me. Anyway, so I have some exciting news for you little child kiddo pre-teen horny bastards. My personal favorite reality TV show has decided to film an episode at our very own honkin' school we call home… HOGWARTZ! I'll give you guys a hint. It's about ghosts. And adventures. And it's starring Zak Bagans. My former lover and student. Not at Hogwars though, at zumba class. IT'S GHOST ADVENTURES YOU DOLTS. I want all of you rotten teens to be on your best behavior when he and his crew cum film at our lovely school. Whew." Dumbledor explained

The students commenced gossiping amongst themselves about stupid shit.

"Wowowowow I've never really thought of it that way, but yeah. I mean, I guess Hogwarts really IS haunted!"

"Yeah, I mean my mom told me stories about the zumba classes that Dumbledore used to teach, but I just assumed that they were just old wives tales."

"AY AY AY"

"I didn't ever report him, but Nearly Headless Nick touched me once on my bottom."

"So then Kagome says sit boy and then Inu Yasha does this silly lil thing…."

SO THEN the tabbles all filled up with yummy looking goodies and hogwarts food and stuff. And that shut those little bickering binkey sucking stupid pieces of crap up. Every thing was layed out in the most magical and pleasing-to-the-eye way, especially the pineapple rings on some dead as fuck whole literal suckling pig. There was punkin juice, apple juice, coconut water juice and an assortment of other juices. But no Four Lokos. Harry sighed. Everyone went in face first in a ravenous frenzy, but immediately spit all that junk out because it tasted like ass.

Except for Neville. It tasted just like Grandma's home cookin'. He's a freak.

"Oh ew sick what is this garbage grab bag school lunch carp?" Said Ron between gags

"I know, right? It tastes like Neville's freak grandma's home cookin'." Screeched some other student

"We should petition for the great hall to become a food court, just like at the mall back home. Maybe with a Smoothie King or something?"

In the midst of all this dirty complaining and hullabaloo, Harry espied a hunched, defeated-looking figure reminiscent of Quasimodo or wrinkly turds hobbling out of the kitchen and serving plates of food to the professors.

"Ho-HUM, I think I know that sad creature!" Harry sighed in excitement.

It was DEF Dobby the house elf whose sickly, pale, pitiful frame Harry recognized. Just as Harry said that thought aloud, but not too loud, the dirty stinky stick-like guy looked Harry Potter, the chosen one, dead in the eye and shook his fist threateningly.

Harry was shook. And also Harry grew. Ew Jesus.

Ron noticed Harry's sighs AND size and asked, "Wat"

"Oh, no-nothing...Oh my…." Harry flushed and sighed and adjusted himself in his bench. Just when Ron was off his trail, a meek battlecry went across the room like thunder but really quiet, weak, unnoticeable thunder.

"PISS OFF, HARRY POTTER" cried Dobby, from at least 100 yards away. The star quarterback of my high school football team couldn't even throw that far!

People looked around questioningly but ignored it so hard.

* * *

The children all went to their dorms, which was good for the professors because they were getting massive migraines from listening to all the just stupid ass shit that kids say out loud. Wow.

Back in the Gryffindor lounge, the kids were yucking it up about all the kewl things they did over the break such as getting high on molly and getting more ass than a toilet seat, and also reading books, playing grand theft auto, petting dogs, visiting their aging great-aunts, making the occasional cake, and discovering new things about their changing bodies.

Ron was wearing a new sweater. His mommy had made it out of her own handspun capybara wool. The sweater depicted a mom and a son. The mom was abandoning the son in a forest full of spiders, Ron's worst fear. It was an immersion therapy sweater.

Two clipboards were being passed around the dorm; one was a petition to convert the great hall into a mall food court with a list of suggestions such as Smoothie King, Chick-Fil-A, and Maggiano's Little Italy. The other clipboard was for people to chronicle all that ass they got over the break. It had a section for name, place, astrological sign, measurements, and how long you lasted.

The clipboard for sexual encounters got passed to Ron.

"So, Harry boy, I can tell you have a little secret Summer Lovin' you wanna tell me about." Ron hinted as he wrote four encounters on the clipboard. They were all fake.

"Er….well there is something...I went to a Barbie with the mates...That's about all the fun I had this summer…" Harry sigh-dodged.

Ron was about to testify, when Hermione slinked over in a yellow, green, and red drug rug. Her skirt was rolled up so high that you could see her ass cheeks, combat boots, varicose veins, keratosis psoriasis, and cool thigh high stockings and leg hair.

"Hey boys. Sup?" Hermione was the coolest kid in school. She was also the absolute smartest person in the whole world. She pulled out a bong from her robes which she wore over her drug rug, and started a-huffin.

"Are you boys ready for the first day of class tommorrow, lads? Have ye studied sufficiently? I don't need to study because I'm precocious as fuck and don't need it. HAH. But I'm still cool."

Boy was Harry ready. He'd all but forgotten about his magical encounter with a little house turd we like to call Dobby.

END OF CHAPTER

CHAPTER NOTE

A/N: Thanks for reading our biggie chapter it took at least two days to write. Our internet went out for a day in fact. I was serious about that snicker's bar if anyone wants it. Thanks to Trisha Furry Star 67 for the amazing fanart. You can find that on our official facebook page. We can't wait to get to all the gr8 story stuff especially Ghost Adventures.

" _You haven't seen a tree until you've seen its shadow from the sky." -Amelia Earhart_


	3. Ch3 Best Boy Prefect Head Boy Baby Infa

We dont own it okay fuck dandkddd,\

Chapturd 3: Best Boy Prefect Head Boy Baby Infant Boy Milquetoast Baby Boy

It was the next day. The first day of school, really. Harry awoke in a pool of snot-snotty boo-boo. He wasn't ready to face the day yet, so he turned off all of the alarms that he set on his iPhone 6s G LTE 4G network Verizon Wireless Can You Hear Me Now 15 minutes on insurance phone. But then he got a Pokemon Go alert, and that woke him the fuck on up!

Charmander was there.

Harry took the anal beads out his ass and cleaned them thoroughly with one of Ronal'ds hand made sweaters. It was on the floor, who cares!? Ready for the day? I THINK NOT! Harry had to still take a shower, a bath, get in the sauna, sweat it out, deadlift his 250, eat an all-peanut butter protein shake, rip his blouse up to be cooler, put on his robes, catch a quick cold, get over his cold, get over himself, get over his ex, and brush his teeth.

Harry wore today on this day, a dumpling-shaped top-hat filled to the brim with steaming meats. Not really. That's what we over at HQ like to call a _dumpling joke_. But for real now, Harry wore some simple slacks and a dumb ass sweater vest because remember, we're in England. He looked a little dumb and chubby, just like I do most of the time. He also wore his wizard ass cloak thing and a wand for coolness, and a grandfather clock charm attached to his wand. He didn't know his grandfather. Harry was an orphan by trade.

Harry looked across the room and saw that Ron Weasley was starck and also buck and also butt-naked. He was emitting light from his paleness. His orange cheeto pubes were a little dusty and tangled, and that's just alright. We all have those days. Luckily, Harry had a cool landing strip. But enough about that. It's gross. Sorry. Also boys are gross.

Long story short, the boys got ready for the day and left the dorm and like went to class and stuff.

In the hallway, a dirty asshole blonde elitist who is also a little bit sexy um but mostly nazi-like came chumpling down the hallway, wholeheartedly. Hearty like a winter's stew!

"HEY CHUMBALAYA BOYS. I HEARD FROM A REPUTABLE SOURCE THAT UR A COUPLE OF WUSSES. WHATCHU GON DO. YOU WONT. DONT ME."

Harry and Ron did their best to ignore him, because he was a grade A bully. And they knew how to say no to bullies.

"MY NAME IS MALFOY. NOT DRACO. AND DONT U FORGET IT LIKE U DID BEFORE WHICH IS WHY I HAD TO INTRODUCE MYSELF JUST NOW."

The boys were getting a tad ruffled in the feather regions by now.

"UR FREND HERMOINE MAKES MY LIL PEEP STAND ON ITS OWN. THATS NEVR HAPPERNED B4. WILL U GIV E HER THIS NOTE FOR ME?"

Okay, now things were getting personal. Harry and Ron were chuffed. Chuffed. Cheuffed, I say.

"Heck no!" They sighed and yelled, nervously, whilst scurrying away like little bitches on their trikes. Malfoy threw the note at them and it landed in Ron's left buttcheek. He didn't notice. But it stayed in there all day. And maybe even longer?

Anyway, all the students made their ways to their calsses. Harry and Ron had first period together, and Her mione also was in that class at that time. The class was: Divination with Professor Tr4elawney! So they went.

They made it to class in that attic place and also they fell off a couple cases of stairs on the way, resulting in bloody noses all-round. With like blood clots that go down your throat and stuff. Prof Trelw was um telling kids to do stuff with tea and also STFU.

"Basically look at that tea leaves and tell me what it is in there remaining." She said.

"This is bull-crap!" cried one cool student named Hermione. She didn't believe in this nonsense bullcrap class.

"Fuggin-A!" said another cool student named Hermione. There were two Hermione's in this class. How Confusing! Our Hermione is called Hermione G. to clarify. Anyway basically everyone in the class didn't believe this shit, except for the witchy girls. They were like really into it. But kind of fakely. Idk. Trends.

"So guys, what the heck did ur tea leaves happen to look like HMMMMMMMM?" Prof Trelw was asking ya boi HP directly.

"Yo prof, I think I might see with my eyes a thing or two in this mug I mean cup I mean fine china fine dining." sighed harry

"Surely thats a wand u bugger-shit." exclaimed Rond. "I mean, it's just so obvious. What with you are a wizard and all" ron said that.

The prof bae strolled on over to the boyz and looked deeply into the fine china and farted one.

"Oh honey boys, I know a BBC when I see one" explained prof Tralw with a side smirk made in heaven.

Everyone were real confused. Or at least acting like it.

"The fuck u mean?" screamed one lucky student named Snacker.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, big black cock-BBC! OBVS! Children these days don't even watch some kinda quality porn or somethin?" Stormed Prof Trelaw.

"Golly, what could it mean?" sighed our favorite hero. Harry Potter. The boy who was like alive.

SO they left class and meandered thru the halls, avoiding cock-blocks for obvious reasons. Cock-blocks=Ron's stupid brother Pursey. More like Pussy. He had been a Best Boy Prefect Head Boy Baby Infant Boy Milquetoast Baby Boy since year 1, and I aint takin about that shitty Jack Black movie. He was a total DILF. and a cock block also. Starring John Cena.

They managed to avoid him though.

"Haryr, What do you think this tea leaf reading could mean? I still think it's a wond, OBVIOUSly that dumbass witch doesn't know a wand from a large, dark member, or even a whackadoo." complained mercilessly Ron.

"IF YOU ASK me," started Hermione "this shit is so fake and bullshitty and um idk likehow could tht be real it doen't follow logic likeu know but magic does so"

"Sod off, the both of you!" sighed Harry.

"Wowowoowowowwowww, OKAY, what's in ur butthole?" said both of the crew at once.

"The Babadook." sighed Harry, as he walked away. Mic Drop.

Harry couldn't help but think of Dobby as he walked away, and what could be lurking under that fashion forward potato sack that he sported. He also was clenching his butt as he walked away, as the Babadook was indeed in there. He wasn't lying. It hurt.

It was mid-morning lunch time, and the gang met up after Harry walked to the end of the hallway, then turned around, meeting his friends exactly where he left them. He needed some time to think, you see.

Harry's pants were sweating, as he was dreading going to the Great Hall and seeing his little shaky cock-sleeve serving up food.

When they got there, though, they were surprised to see construction. The great hall had a big chain-link fence around it with a sign that had "Vladimir Tootin' Cumstrction Cumpany" emblazoned loud and proud. It also had a sign below that said "no friends allowed."

"Looks like that Chick-Fil-A is going up." Ron commented, steadily.

"Oh Fank God, I 'ate fuggin house-elf food. Makes me sick to me little trousers and skirt and vericose veins, it does!" Chimed in Hermione, who in this story actually kind of hated house elves. Because let's be real here. They're gross.

"Let's just grab some toast out of the gutter, guys." sighed Harry, disappointed but relieved. But not relieved of the Babadook. Anxious poo.

The gang went on over to the nearest dirty ass stinking Hagrid-piss filled gutter and slowly but certainly dug some old soggy toast from within. It was deliciously crisp and warm. Magic. How cool.

They then went on to their next class, DADA (defense against the dark arts for those of you losers who dain't know).

"HEY guys" touted Neville, "I head there's a new DADA teacher I mean Prof teaching this year. Everyone is really excited to meet him. He's apparently a celebrity, who's been in many movies with starring roles! MY gran is wet with excitement over it, and wants me to get her sneak pix of his naked body if possible. Oh, Gran. What a scoundrel!"

Was it true? Wow, could be! A cooooooooool new teacher who was also a celeb? No way!

Yes way.

All them students went in all filed in a line and such, and sat down on the floor because the school was doing budget cuts and couldn't afford seats. Probably because they were hiring celebrities willy-nilly. The stoods were anxoius to see who the fuck was the new teach.

The room went quiet when the kids heard some angry, muffled quacking outside the door.

"Did Looney Luna smuggle and choke to death a duck AGAIN?!" cried one fateful student, in confusion and disbelief.

But no. Soon after that comment was made, the students spied a portly, hunched, white shape waddle in with a cane and a top hat.

"Our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is...Scrooge McDuck?!"

Surprise rang out in the room or something. Also Neville farted silently and hoped nobody would know it was him, especially in all the confusion of a duck cartoon character being their new teacher.

"Quack. Just kidding. I can speak proper English, just like any other gent about town. I am a duck, though, don't get me wrong. I love a good pond scum and ass-shaking as much as the next duck."

The room was a little bit silent.

"Who the fuck popped a whiffer or pooped?" Cried Cletus DeGufrey, a cool student.

"There's a duck!" yelled an upperclassman.

This classroom was a fucking wreck.

Hermione wasn't yelling or sniffing farts, though. Hermione was lovestruck. Scrooge McDuck, who she had seen in film, was always a bit of a dumbass to her, until now. Seeing him in person: that classic sly smile as he burned money with his cigar, that cool hunched old man back, those tail feathers! OH WHEE! Hermione quietly scooted to the back of the classroom where she could use her wand in peace ;)

Class resumed with little incident, beside lots of farting and screams and quacking and also a lesson in defending urself against some dark arts.

As class let out, Hermione and the gang left the room, quietly. Hermione didn't have words after that magykal class. Harry was always quiet because he sucks. And Ron was just in a quiet mood. It was time for afternoon lunch.

"Maybe the Great Hall is open now?" questioned Ron, silently.

They went to the great hall and now there was a second sign now that read "go eat lunch at that outside eating area that u never heard about before there's lots of toast being served up."

So the boys and Hermione went to the Pavillion. It was a tent shittily set up outside the front gates of Hell. It was raining and water was all over the seating that was available. Many house elves could be seen carrying shitty styrofoam to go boxes to each student as they sat down in their individual puddles of piss. Harry looked around nervously, but did not see Dobby.

The youths sat down and got soaked to the tits with wet water and peepee. All of a sudden, Dobby came out of a big fucking door made of stone and fire, clad in a homemaker's apron and his classic shit-sack. He was carrying an all-styrofoam tray feat. three styrofoam to go boxes, styrofoam napkins, and three styrofoam cups with lids to disguise the four loko inside. He made a B-line to Harry and the gang.

Harry cringed and was wet with water and piss. He was blushing and his scar was burning all of a sudden.

"Ouchie-woo-woo Bears!" sigh-cried Harry.

Dobby approached really fucking fast for his size. He slammed the styrofoam tray down in front of the gang with such force that it made Harry's nipples bleed. He had a dark expression. All of the four loko poured out of the cups with the force of Dobby's slam. Slam dunk. Into my heart.

"Dobby has been looking for Harry Potter! Why is Harry Potter avoiding Dobby?!" Dobby shreiked with pure animal rage.

"What? You just told me to piss off last chapter!" Harry reciprocated.

"Well, Dobby has very conflicted feelings, Harry Potter, and it would be best if Harry Potter did not play with them so!"

Dobby stormed off, but left his gifts of spilled four loko and food.

Everyone was so shocked that they didn't mention a thing. They just quietly opened their to-go boxes. Inside Ron and Hermione's boxes were two pieces of plain white bread with a single slice of american cheese and some mayo packets. Typical.

"Whoa, Harry, you've got something different in yours!" Cried Ron, jealous as hell.

It was true. Harry's to-go box contained a very elaborate Middle-Eastern feast very beautifully plated with a rose on top. He also had the mayo packets, and, on the side was a fresh dead rat. The rat's fur was wet and matted, and it had bite marks all over. There was one of Dobby's teeth stuck in the rat's nape of the neck. Must have been a cultural thing.

END OF CHAPPIE and I don't mean the robot in that shitty Die Antwoord movie, starring Hugh Jackman.

How'd yall like it, huh? LEAVE SOME Comments, why don't you? And while you're at it, make some fan art! What's wrong with yall?

Thanks for reading, it means a lot to us. 3

" _There are some days when I think I'm going to die from an overdose of satisfaction."_

 _-_ Salvador Dalí


	4. Chapter 4 - Long Live G-Dog

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? _We don't own dis shit._

Okay. So.

Chapter 4. Harry's on the Floor. Idk why though.

It was a dank and stormy humid dingus hole of a day, here in Hogs warts. Harry was feeling again. Just in general. Kind of like the vibe of everything. He was vibin'. Um.

He had looked at his magic alarm clock which was part of his cool new wand from Best Buy, the coolest store 10G S5 Gaalaxy Jackson Galaxy My Cat From Hell Episode 8, and realized that he was _so late._ It was already 10:00.

WAit! But good thing it was the freakin' weekend, am I right? High five!

The gang had been planning this really cool trip up to Hagrid's Hut this weekend. They were all prepared and packed the hatchback and their snapbacks, and their snack packs full of greek yogurt and lab rats.

"BUT WAIT" sighed Harry, "We 'aven't got our licenses, we 'aven't!"

Alas, it turnt out that the children were in fact children and could not drive. So they dragged their little red wagons, and their long sticks full of handkercheifs full of shit at the end, and they popped their knees while walking you know like how they do in the Winnie the Pooh series? They did that. All the way to Hagrid's hut. Luckily, it was a mere twelve feet away from the nearest piss-gutter.

"Blimey!" said Ron.

So they got there and did their special knock on the dizzity door. It went dun dun dun dun dun-dun dun-dun-dun dun dun dunt dun-dun. It was a cool code. It spelled out "Junior Mints" in morse cold or something. Hebrew, maybe? Idk.

"OY MATES ME FRENDS THE BOYS AND THA GURL HAERMIOM." Hagrid fucking bellowed out pretty big and like a lunatic sometimes. Everyone pretended to be impressed. But weren't. Word.

"Yo sup Hargrid, what's good? We need some lettuce. Romaine. That'll do the trick!" Harry winked to the audience through a sigh.

"HARRY FUOCKIN GOT YE YER A WIZARD HARRY YERA WIZARRD HOLY FICKIN SHIT YER A FUCKIN WIZARD, BUTT HARRY. FUCKIN FANG. BUCKBEAK ALSO" Hagrid cried in a desperate attempt to remain hip with the wizarding youth and also not seem so depressed. He also finally put his ding dong away and invited them in for some donk tea, if you know what I mean.

Hagrid was so huge. Like a door. He had some girth to him. Like a rock. But not Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson. He is so foine. I am putty in his hands. Speaking of being putty in some other hot built tan guy's hands, Buckbeak was chillin like a civilian outside, minding his own goddamned business, which is just a huge turn on. For me, at least. Confidence is so sexy.

"Give us weed." cried Hermione in a fit of unprecedented rage and desperation. She had been feeling a lot of that, lately. Scrooge McDuck had her sprung. But we'll get back to that l8r.

"Um oh, wow, uh that was really quite um forthright, now wasn't it me dear baby boy Hermione?" slurred Hagrid, who had already smashed at least 6 to 19 four lokos. He's a giant which means that his tolerance is a bit different, including his metabolism. But he still kind of fat. Sorry not sorry. Guess we can't all get the good jeans.

So basically inside Hagrid's hut was a grow house. For We d (weed). Hagrid had all the cool things. You know, things such as: joints, spliffs, dabs, edibles-blunts, even! Also, a nice assortment of glass pieces, some shaped like mushrooms or penis tops. Like my lil peep. RIP.

Hermione was pretty used to this sort of thing. But the boys were starstruck. They were only social smokers, and had never seen such a cornucopia of icky-sticky ganj. And resin.

They went ahead and um like i dunno touched it with their hands, covering it all in a thin layer of prepubescent semen from their hands. This is a wizarding school, after all.

"IDUNNO IF U HEARD BUT ME OL FRIEND BUDDY FROM COLLEGE DEAR OL BOY ZAKKY BOY MY BEST BOY ME N THE LADS USED TO HAVE THE BEST STAG PARTIES I MEAN REAL PEOPLE PLEASERS IM MEA THERE WAS SO MCUCH BUTT CHUGGIN GOIN ON BUT ANYWYA MY ROOMMATE FROM COLEGE ZAK BAGANS IS COMING TO HOGWARTS FER SOME GHOST HUNGITN" Hagrid spewed, haphazardly coating the children in a fine veneer of mouth fluids and leftover vindaloo from lunch.

The children were dumbstruck. They were also Homestuck. They were into that weeb shit.

They whispered feverishly amongst themselves while hagrid rambled,

"Blimey!" stated Ronald, Esq.

"I bloody know!" sighed Harry, "I can't believe Hagrid made it into college!"

"Zak Bagans…?" questioned Hermoined "Isn't he that renowned hot, tanned, seoxoy, prism-glasses wearing-toting stud who has the show where he farts mostly but sometimes looks at ghosts?"

"YER BLODDY RIGHT 'E'S THE ONE, YE STICK!" mouth-breathed Hagrid, airily. It was a little onion-like. Shrek. My favorite musical. It's no _Paul Blart, Mall Cop 2_ , though.

Just then, a big fucking honk rang out clear as day and a bell through the misty foggy groggy froggy shaggy it wasn't me air of the school. It was the school honk. Similar to a school bell in the states, but we're in England. Honking is king here. Saved by the honk.

So an assembly had been called by our favorite homeboy Dumbledoor. Diggity Dickhole. Stumbledore. Albus Dumblefuck.

The baby fuck cardboard box infants made their way to the Gr8 Hall to see what was up.

When they entered, there were some candles floatin and shit just like those candles that were pretty popular in the early 2000's that you could float on water excpet these were in the air. Cool. suck on htat, bitch.

"Albus Dumbledore." Said Dumbledore, wisely pointing to himself.

Everyone nodded in agreement out of fear. Better to be feared and respected than to be loved and

"KIDS. I'm gonna do that clapping thing that I tried last time but this time you're all gonna actually frucking repeat it back to me all cult like this time out of respect and fear." Albus Dumblefuck proceeded to clap, and the children all clapped back. And they clapped that ass.  watch?v=dZ8pO3hl9OE&list=PLe0WOwN5iMXdEwjd4uNqAdm_F7X_beBQl&has_verified=1

"My children. My infants, each and everyone of you. I have something to announce. It's not about my gout this time, although it has been acting up. It's not even about my ongoing battle with typhoid. No, it's not even about the fact that canteloupe is a garbage-can fruit and a failure as a food in every way. Have you tried that shit? I mean like, really tried it? With an open palette? It's really bad. I mean, cow-slapping Christ, children, it's really just objectively a bad fruit."

The children all clapped and gave him a standing O. "You're the Voice" came on over the magic speakers.

Dumbdoore continued, "No, no, what I have to announce to you today, is that that inconcievably sensual muscle man, Zak Bagans, the love of my life and my personal fitness guru, is coming to Hogwarts today to being an ongoing investigation of our ghosts. Such as: Nearly Headless Nick, Moaning Turdle."

More clapping and hilarity ensued.

Harry's scar on his forehead and not his shin started tingling in the most peculiar way. That was just a scooter thing, don't worry about it. His fucking head scar tingled under his headscarf, which Harry had recently been experimenting with. Since he was going through a pretty big transitional period in his life, Harry had been wrestling with his identity and was trying to find himself through accessorizing and slam poetry on tuesday nights at 7:30pm at the big dumb gay bar in Hogsmeade *snap snap snap snap*.

Ok so now that we're over that whole headscarf thing, let's continue.

Harry at this point knew to associate that classic tingldy wingledy doo with fuckin Dobby's arrival ususally. But sometimes it just happened like in class or when he woke up. Morning wand.

Harry turned his head to the left, and much to his big fucking surprise, Dobby was silently invading his personal space and staring into Harry's soul through his ear. He was also breathing into Harry's mouth. It was like gasoline, but sexy. Harry had to stifle a hacking smoker's cough. Through a sigh, of course.

"Potter's got some moves." But Dobby didn't say that, he only thought it. Out loud, he said, "Been suckin on a shit pill this mornin? Who dumped in your Cheer-os? Oh wait, it was me bc I make all the food in this fucking pig-sty of a college preporatory school. Uni." Dobby was lobbing verbal slam-dunks one after the other. Harry didn't know which way was up. But then he look looked up.

"Oh that's the one that's up." Harry sighed, attending to his heart palpitations

"Dobby wanted to invite Harry Potter over to his abode, for some flix and chill. You in?" Dobby alerted the media.

Harry was blindsided and alight with joy at the prospect of Dobby taking him tonight. Maybe he would even wife him. But that was never gonna happen. Harry isn't the marrying type. What with the dumbass haircut and whatnot.

Blushing profusely and bleeding out, Harry managed to sigh a reply, "I guess I'd like that."

Have you seen The Exorcist? Dobby did something like that. But it was a deleted scene so fuck me, right? Basically, he pissed his breeches and then scurried backwards up the wall all the while mocking Christ. It was gleeful somehow.

"I'll pick ya up at 8, slutnugget." spat Dobby, Tenderly, like a sock. (pls do not copy and steal)

Harry cleansed himself with some palo santo, and then went straight to confessional like the sweet little catholic boy that he was. But he was also a wizard? The pope gave him a nice little snack of a flour tortilla with cream cheese in it and some cinnamon, like dad used to make when we got home from school. But Harry was an orphan, lest ye forget. Madam Zeroni. Holes.

Thx for reading. Our friend G-dog helped us write this one, and let me tell you, he's a god damn genius. Hell.

We don't own Harry Potter or Hairy Pooter, get off it.

 _"Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy._ " -Norman Vincent Peale


	5. Chapter 5: Flutey Flakes

Chapter 5: OKAy believe it or not, this is the only chapter we've written while high. And it shows. HAVE FUN!

WE DONT OWN ANYTHING OKAU

It's a new day, a new doll hair, and a new imp. IDK what happened in the last chapter but we can pick up from "dragon dildo."

Harry had been reading some online forums about how to passive-aggressively get his crush (Dobby) to like him, when his eyes started bleeding. Also, he was in class with his iPhone 2000 out, bleeding on his text books.

"Harold Dank-Ol' Potter!" shouted Prof snape, "GTFO!"

Harry could only assume that he meant to "go to find oranges." We are in the 4th of July! But we are in Englad so oh well. Harry stomped out of the classroom with a glance of pure despair in an orange-hunting frenzy, well, to find oranges to in turn, well...share them with the class!

"Oranges don't live in bloody old cunting Englads!" sighed Harry to himself, wanly. He would just have to manifest some with his magick twig. Harry produced his twig and did a jig. An orange tree began to grow out his ass out of sheer willpower (not magic.) He didn't even need to use A WOND?

Harry, since he was in the hallway with an orange tree growing out of his ass, decided to ditch the rest of class and hop and skip merrily over to Hag's Hut, Not to be confused with that GLORUOUS HOUSE OF GASTRONOMY, PIZZA HUT. Not that.

It was pretty effing cool!

So, what was happening today was, Hagrid had sent a pretty cool secret message to the gang the night before (it was an 8-second snapchat) saying "cum 2 my hut 2nite 4 a gud Tim" and it had the "daddy" sticker as well as a pic of Buckbeak. His cool Hippogriff that we forgot to mention until just now. Or maybe we didn't, idk. What do I look like, a fuggin' secretary of STATE?.

Harry waddled his dumb, splintered asshole all the way to the dirty, smelly, stinky, stinx, fucked up, tore up, toe up, ugly duckling, Lil' Wayne-like giant's homely hut. It stunk. Like, a lot.

Harry could see Hagrid's pube-trimmings on the ground in a pile, next to a pair of scissors. Caught in the act. He knocked on the door.

The door creaked open, and Harry heard some ugly crying going on inside.

"Ruh-roh" sighed Harry in a silly attempt at a Scooby-Doo impression.

Harry sashayed inside like he owned the place, and let me tell you-he DID own it, honey. He was serving up Bloody Nose Pubescent Boy Wearing Wizarding Robes with a Tree Out His Ass Realness, and he was _feeling_ it.

"'AGRID! I 'EARD YOU CRYING LIKE A LIL BITCH AND I CAME TO MAKE SURE EVERYFING IS GOING OKAY WIFF YOU, OKAY SPORT?" sighed Harry, in cockney.

"'Agrid, you're such a tiny baby boy! Crying is a woman's job." Harry sighed again, a little louder but not enough to notice "AT ALL".

In response to that rude af comment, baby Hagard lifted up his big as girl tiny woman breast milk robes to reveal a HUGE HONKIN PUSSY but with balls also that went to his boney and shaky, yet strong-willed and well-meaning knees.

"...oKAYyyyyy I'll just pretend I didn't see that." Haryy sighed, backing away slowly like they do on the Diseney channel.

Suddenly, HermHerm poked her lil frizzy, hay-like head of hair straight out of Hargrid's panty pocket.

"Oy, 'arry! Of course 'e's got the poon!" she shouted in pure disarray and frustration. She was smoking. No WONDER Hagrid's puss looked like it was steaming!

"ANYwayz," Harry sighed big and long, "Hag, I got your snap, brah. Tell it to me straight, what's this gud Tim about? Also, where is my nummy-chummy named Ronald Weezer?"

Hagrid pulled his big sweaty dirt and soup-stained only pair of women's thong cheeky Victoryia's Egret pink and PINK the brand Panties up. "Hiya, Harry. Hermoine and I were just planning a little surprise party for Special Case: Ron Weasely. Herm's making streamers out of my pubes and I was busy as a bee or a magic bee making a cake out of duck and horse meat, I was!" Hagrid extrapolated.

"Golly Gee, oh me oh my! I love a pizza pie! Hecka-Hookah Debron-doo, I eat hellfire and sor do you!" Harry sighed. It was a spell. The spell was to make a cool air freshener appear, because shit was rank AND dank in there. Because Harry was such a fuck, he conjured up a pizza-hookah scented air freshener on accident. But it was kind of nice, in a dirty kind of way. He also conjured a poison apple, like when you're playing The Sims 3 and you make a witch and she conjures and apple, but poison? He also conjured Satan himself, and Satan was actually pretty chill.

"'Sup, brah?" yodeled the Prince of Darkness.

"Oh, hey, Satan." sighed Harry.

They cracked open some brewskis and all sat around with ugly beer guts for a while, planning Ron's party. SUDDENLY Hargrid broke down in the most pitiful display of tears and wet-dog smell and just sad, sad man noises.

Hermione, who was really quite sensitive, looked at Hagrid from across the room as if he was an untouchable. A dirty freak. She did nothing.

Everyone stared at each other in a circle, avoiding Hagrid's crying.

Finally, the blubbering sobs got so bad and loud that it was ruining Harry's good Tim.

"Hagrid, what's wrong?" Harry sighed. He was just being polite.

Hagrid shook with sobs and also laughter because Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 was on and it was amusing.

"BUCKBEAK'S GONNA DIE, Y'ALL!" screamed Hagrid at the top of his lungs.

"Huh? I wonder why?" questioned Satan, genuinely.

"HE DID SOMETHING BAD LIKE IDK I THINK HE ROBBED A BANK AND NOW THEY'RE GONNA EXECUTE HIM BC HES A BAD BOI" crinkle-farted Haggie-boi.

"WE ARE GONNA DO SOMETH?" said someone

"He will be dumped in the prisoner of Azkabarn if we don't do somth! And killed too. Robbing banks is just instinct for him! He can't help it! It's in all Hippogriffs' blood!" cried Hagrid through fistfulls of duck meat.

"THAT's Ron's cake!" cried Satan!

"Shut up, Satan, U don't even know Ronnie!" spat Hermione the bear.

"I know you ALL better than you know yourselves! SEE?" Satan pulled out a few polaroid nudes of the whole gang out from his ass. He also pulled off a mask to reveal his true identity. Turns out, Satan was just Ron in diguise, trying to get the dirty deets on his surprise birthday party.

"RON?" asked the gang, quietly.

"Yeah it me, ya boi, Ron. You chumps. Now listen up. Forget about this whole party thing and the duck meat. We just GOTTA save Buckbook! And I've got the perfect plan." Ronnie explained with a side-smirk and a gig.

"We are going to sneak into Snap's room tonight at 3:24 o-clock sharp. He lives int hat one snake statue at the entrance to the boy's bathroom. What a freak. We are going to need some stone smithing tools, or my rock-hard abs, either ones." Ron tooted out in hushed tones.

"Why Snap?" sighed Harry in disbelief.

"OF CCIURSE" shouted heermione through puffs of hookah. "Snap has grinder on his 5gg Galaxy Smart Phone 5S. It's a homosecual detection app. And Buckbeak is a GAY MAN!"

The gang sat in utter silence until 3:24 o'clock AM on the dart sharp, then all rose up in unison to march loudly through the front yard and through the entrance of the school.

"I want you to all take one now please do" Said Ron/SAtin while passing out what seemed to be air.

"This looks like nothing, but feels like...idk...Some sort of a butt plug?!" whisper-sighed HArry.

"Good on ye mate." said Satan-like Ron. "They're invisibility butt-plugs!"

" OOOOJH I get it now" sighed HArry. "Hermione, tell everyone else what I just understood for everyone else bc I already know, but for dumb ass Hagrid." sighed Harry, again.

Hermione clucked like a chicken, happily. "Ron/Satan has a really clever plan to use these invisibility butt plugs as a cloaking device. Just like Harry's invisibility cloak, but easier and more youthful!"

Bloody Brilliant!

Hagrid was visibly shaking from excitement.

"Plug up, snitches, it's time!" wailed ron in a fit of glory and pride. Every one pulled up their robes in unison, and in the dark hallway, silently plugged their asses up with these cool butt plugs. Hermione's had a furry tail on the end. Ron's looked like a pacifier? Must be a thing. Harry's was actually normal, but he still had a tree in his ass, so that took some finagling.

Hagrid.

There were some sublte pluggin sounds. They used lube, don't get me wrong. Immediately, eveyone became invisible.

"Ojay, I'm gonna get the chisel out" giggled Ron. They chiseled and chiseled, until they got into stupid Dnape's room, which just a crawlspace. Quietly, the gang formed a conga line and hustled over to Snape's 5G LS 4G 450 5X Gen Y2K Smartphone Android phone system, and stole it the fuck. They danced out of there and got the heck out of dodge, and scrambled back to the hut. Pizza Hut this time, in Hogsmeade. But Hagrid went home to cry and to finish off the last of the duck meat rations.

The gang sat around a shitty cheese pizza and looked at grinder together. They kept scrollin on through until they found Buckbeak. He called himself "Fuckbeak" on here.

"Bloody perfect" spat Ron. He spat his dip out onto the pizza.

"Should we like, idk message him or something?" sighed Haryr in exasperation.

ANNA check page 4 for our plans about Buckbeak, and the gang in hogsmeade, and sympathy card, and BRexit.

OKOK cool I think I'm gonna try to take a nap bc my face hurts.

Let's add these notes to the actual chap on 3

The gang went on ahead and went to Hogsmeade to see what was what. They didn't know wahat to do!

ROn: "golly and Haggard. Merle Haggard. I think we should just accept Buckbeaks' death. I mean think about it, we're just dumb fuck idiot redhead kids, with no job, no talent, and no enemas! Let's just accept defeat and buy Hag a sympathy card from that raptor tooth (Hallmark) store over there." said Ron.

The others nodded off to sleep like wee children after a cup of warm of breast milk, and nodded in unison.

Well we walked on into the Hogmark store and buys us a security system and a regular old sympathy card, for your sake.

I ate sevven stools. Amarantine. They looked at cards in the fuck bathroom-smelling Hallmark or HigsMARK. 

"Holy jimbs!" cried Ran (Riss) "I shart, I mean THINK that I might see Mark WHALEburg. Let me get his autograph for Prof. Charles Stink!" He shrugged it off a little.

They saw Malk Whaelburg and then looked for a card.

"In the sympathy section!" sighed Harry.

"Hermione got kicked in the ass last night, I'm actually a stunt double" said Hermione.

Harry ignoed their fucking pansy asses and search in sighlence. Among the trash thrash mosh pit card buckets, he spied a few winners.

The first was a detailed diagram of a homosexual sex act. It said "For you, I'm sad. Don't cry, try harder. Fuckin' try-hard."

The other cool card option was that picture of that guy with like the short shorts up his butt at the Eiffel Tower, and it said, "Well, at least you friend being dead isn't as bad as having to look at this fucker in Paris." And it's a wizard card so it's moving. So was the last card!

It had a sad fairy coming down to the states from Canada, where all faeiries are from, and a rainbow. The curly, but respectful font (NOT curls MT): "Dearest comparted compatriot. No words can soothe in such a time of disrepair of your friend, and your emotions, but maybe this Jesus quote will help…

"John 3:16" -Jesus"

ONE MORE. OH THIS WAS THE ONE. It had the perfect balance of sympathy and humor. It was a ginger cat showing it's asshole to the viewer on a chartreuse background. In a blocky font, it simply said "Sh*t Happens!" and the asterisk was aligned to look like the cat's sphinc.

Just had the craziest deja vu. I swear I've written fanfiction in the dark before

I was just looking outside...is that possible?

"OKAY" sighed Harry Poopsnack, "this one is my babygirl. I love her as a baby child and not a card." He swaddled the little infant asshole card with his neckercheif?

"IS THIS HOW ITS SPOSED TO BE?" talked Hermion. "A CARD BECOMES A BABY STINK IN JUST 6 SECS?"

"YES!" sigh-cried Harry in disrepair and doinkbelief. "I PUNT YOU!" Harry punted Herm into the Victoria's Egret next door. Her punted her once. Herm died on impact. She's dead and noone can bring the girl back. Mudblood.

She came back with a deedle-de-whee of a life spell or N. She's alive btw. She's the valedictorian. IDIOT.

Harry carried his wet-with-placenta baby infant (card) to the cutting counter. An old lady cut it in half with some nice scissors.

"FANKS" said-sighed Haroor. He takes his bruised and bloodied baby girl card and walked out of the store happily. Smiling.

Settle down. They also wanted to check out the yankee candle section and cheese snack while they were here. Harry saw a "shit-stained burlap piece of garbage sack dress" scented candle and something about the distinctly familiar scent vaguely aroused him.

"OF COURSE" sighed Harry, suddenly feeling bashful of his raging throbbing purple boner, which he was now ashamedly trying to tuck into his waistband and ignore. Just like cocklate. Melted. You forget. Body heat melts it. Then you find shit everywhere and you're left wondering.

Harry shoplifted the candle.

They got their shit and left. Then they went somewhere else. God.

It was nearly twilight when the motley crue of ragtag ninjas I mean wizards, this isn't Naruto, got to HoggiesWarts. They trekked their past-curfew asses up to the dorms and slept.

The next morning, they were awoken by the smelliest fart they had ever stenched .

"The FUCK is that?" queried the other bouys in the dorm.

"Hermione, that stinky whore FARTED in her sleep, and now we're all gonna die!" slayed BridGretta, one dumb bitch who like to read.

"I DIDNLT fart," creamed Hermione! "This is OBVIOUSLY the distinct smell of a grief-fart!"

"A WHOT!" eveyrone had asked.

"A greif-fart. It happens when a wizard is like really sad. It stinks up the whole 8-mile radius for days, even MONTHS in some cases!"

"Or nor…." Herm thought to herself. If she was indeed smelling a grief-fard, then that meant that Buckbeak had been executed! !

THATS THE END OF THE CHAPER

" **Successful and unsuccessful people do not vary greatly in their abilities. They vary in their desires to reach their potential." – John Maxwell**


	6. Chapter 6 - Plant Sex

Yes, Buckbeak is dead, sorry.

There's a new student in town! He's got spiky blond hair, is a ninja in the hidden leaf village, and ALWAYS has a hankering for ramen. That's right, you guessed it, he's Benjamin Franklin! He got held back a couple grades (he's none too bright, that one) and that's why he's now at the Wrazarding School of Hagmart.

Ron is a fucking dumbass principal's pet, so he had to deliver the new schedule to the new student. He also did the morning announcements and pledge of allegiance, but that's a story for another time. And he did colourgard. What an asshole.

Ron had his hall monitor's sash on. "Ay ya fuck ing talentless hack of a ninja I mean new pupil of my eye. Student. Um. here."

Awkardly trying to get out of that AWKEARD situation, Ron thrust the piece of paper that was the schedule into Benjamin's hard hands.

"One in the hand is worth two in the bush!" cried Ron in desperation, and ran away with fear. He flailed his arms and legs a little into the wall. The hallway was only a foot across. We need to fix that. Fucking enchanted building piece of shit patriarchy. RESIST. RBG.

Benjamin Danklin, as we like to call him, did a quick summoning jutsu to summon his rolling backpack that he accidentally left at his grandma's house this morning. He was a sallow, pale, weak, pale again, grandma's boy. Obviously. He's like Neville, but worse almost. Except maybe not. Bc Neville's pretty fucking gross.

Backpack thundering furiously down the corridoork, Ben Danklin made his way into his first classroom.

The class was acluck with excitement at the prospect of a gold prospector in this town like the one from Toy Story with the fat ass. Professor Scrooge McDuck is still here. We didn't fuckin forget about him like you all thought we would. Fuckers. Have a little faith, damn.

Benjammin FlankDank came into the classroom and stood before the class to introduce himself. He was pigeion-toed.

"I'm Ben Frankline. Most people just call me Benjamin Franklin. Or, The Hustler, for short. I'm from west philly born and raised, my measurements are 36-24-36, my blood type is taupe O+, and I'm gonna be the next Headmaster, Believe it! PLEASE ACCEPT THIS GIFT!" and he handed them all handmade chocolates that he stayed up all night with his grandma making for the class, in the hopes that they would all have diabetes like him, and have a blood sugar crash in unison and then they would all get out of class for the afternoon. But also be really shaky and in a bad mood. But still, no homework! Hell yeah, toad nudge!

The students sized him up. Because he was wearing a size small but he needed a size medium.

He was a boy, nay, a man-child, about 12 years old but also at the same time 47. He was rotund and bald on the top, but had those glorious locks on the side that we all know and love from his image on the hunny dolla bill. But also, his hair was spiky and blonde. He had a headband with like a thing on it. A swirl with a point and hook. Light on his feet, he was wearing Sketchers Shape-ups that light up when he walks and make little Buzz Lightyear sounds. He had on support hose to hide his varicose veins, and as for his robes, well, let me tell you. He had a special cargo robe on, like cargo shorts, they were khaki. Also, his robe unzipped half way so he could take it to the next level of fashion for a more breathable summer capelet. And he had spectacles. He also had little whiskers as birth marks or something on his cheeks. Idk why though. And he painted a cat-nose with g-ma's eyeliner.

"Fuck is you, who?" asked a client.

"Wow, that manchild is really quite handsome!" said noone. He heard it, though, and he said "Thank You!" as loud as he could.

"Hey, is that Naruto Uzumaki? I watch your show! On Cartoon Network Toonami!" said Luna Lovehood. She had several anime drawings taped to the front of her binder, and she had at least 73 keychains attatched to her satchel. She also always got period blood all over her desk chair. It's her first time, cut her some damn slack.

"I heard there's a whole SLEW of new students coming in today! Displaced from Hurricane Katrina and also from the dark lord or whatever some kind of disaster that is wizardly. Many of them are also ninjas. I've heard. Herded cattle."

MEANWHILE, Harry lounged lazily on a hammock situated between two quidditch poles, approx. 10 kilometers in the air. He smiled vaguely at his 12G SFS SAn Fran 6Dell Taco Farmer in the DEll computer Steve Jobs Apple iPhone iPod nano. He had just got a really steamy text from none other than Dobby the house elf-MILF. He was cutting class, and glass. And grass. Or was supposed to be. He was in detention, actually, and cutting grass was his task of the day. But HArry outsmarted the Headmaster Dumbledork (not that hard to do, mind you) and found a way to be in a hammock instead. In the sky.

The super ultra steamy text said:

"I found a stale wheat-thin under one of the floorboards in the mess hall, and smeared some of my shit on the cracker as a quick snack. There were several dead rats there as well. I actually dissected one earlier and found the wheat-thin inside of its body cavity. Wyd?"

Harry's heart raced like a racehorse named Snacker. But the racehorses penis, rather.

"DTF." responded Harry, with a sigh. But a sigh of pleasure and absolute terror.

A ping on his phone brought Harry back from his pleasure cruise in his head, and he looked at Dobby's reply directly in the eyes.

Dobby's reply was simply a gif of himself from that one scene in the second movie where he had to iron his hands and he's like showing Harry his bandaged hands and waving his little grubby spirit fingers in Harry's face but in a kind of suggestive way. And, since it's a wizard's phone, the gif was moving. Because of magic. And also reaching out and actually touching Harry. So that was delightful. Harry's taint shivered with passion and longing, and asked for the day off.

His boss, Zak Bagans, gave it to him.

Classroom: There's a substitute teacher, and it's Kakashi Sensei. Forget Scrooge McDuck, Hermione's lusting after a new man! It's Kakashi Sensei. From Naruto Shippuden. Not from just regular Naruto though. So he might be in his late 30s and 40s at this point. But nobody really knoes for sure. But I like to think he's in his late 30s or 40s bc he's still really hot. And has abs, even though you never see them, you know he has them. Okay.

Kakashi Sensei was teaching the class how to do a um jutsu but also how to not get scared by a heckin boggart! Defense against the dark arts with ninjutsu, genjutsu, taijutsu, and chakra, and friendship, and magic, and men's coin purses. And They're all one in the same. So fuck off, haters. Hermione quivered in her seat, as usual. Bc she has a condition. But also, Kakashi looked like a slim sex god.

Cut to after class and Hermione stays to ask a "question".

Hermione: "Hey good lookin, what ya got cookin? Pheasant?"

Kakashi led her to the home ec classroom oven, where he was cooking some brownies. Cooking them, not baking them. And also not cucking them. TIURNS OUT Kakashi is a yuge stoner. HE'S COOKING WEED BROWNIES!

"I'm actually a transplant. I'm actually a Portland native, so you know, I do weed. I do weed. And quirky. I like Stranger Things, it's my favorite show on the television now. I really like how the light plays off of 11's back when he's bleeding his nose. I'm a film student, so I notice little things like that." Babbled Kakashi in a fit of yeet and woke glory.

Kakashi continued, "I'm a transplant, and what I mean by that is, since you asked, I'm actually a plant. Who is trans. I'm really good at hiding the fact that I'm a plant though using my special technique, hide-my-plant-leaves-jutsu. I spent 25 years learning the hand signs for it. Here, let me show you even though you didn't ask.

Hermione watched his hands doing silly signs and moving and stuff. She imagined those hands doing those very same signs but gliding in and out of her sphinc. She came. She also farded. She also slipped her number into the front pocket of his Levi Strauss slim fit boot cut jeans and felt his wiener a little. It felt like a plant.

He didn't notice.

Slippit Nuggets. Or, in English, Benjamin Franklin, booked it, hard, out of class. Cause of his diabetes, really. He needed to get some fresh pain au chocolat, STAT. Like water for chocolate. So he booked it to the great hall, where it smelled a lot like used boogers and Draco Malfoy's curry-sweat. Speaking of Draco, There he was! Doing squats in the middle of the great hall, looking ashamed and hoping that no body would see. He's got a tight ass, though.

Ben, forgetting all about his diabetes, engaged in conversation with this leviathan of a boy. He just wanted a friend. And a Fred. But Fred Weasley wasn't around.

"Howdy! You know where a fella could get some munchies around here? I'm dang-near parched for french pastries. I'm also, kind fat. NOT THAT THATS A BAD THING I'm just warning you bc I like to?"

Draco Malfoy slowly, at a Daniel Radcliffe snail's pace, turned around to face the pudgy, innocent, well-meaning Benny-boy. He was red and shaking with venomous slytherin big dick energy. He looked furious.

He stomped sideways over to Ben-i but kind of not, bc he was off-kilter and kind of ran into one of the dining tables and jabbed his thigh on the corner and it really fucking hurt for like a long time. And broke his ankle a little. He then proceeded to limp over, doggedly, to Benjamin Maurice Franklin the turtle.

"Actually no, they don't usually serve things like that around here, chap. Not munchies, anyways. I have seen a couple of triscuits lying about on the carpets only half broken by people stepping on them, and today I found one with only far and few rat droppings on it! Don't quote me on that, brother."

It was then that Draco spied with his little boy chin hair sized eye brow pencil by Benefit cosmetics, Benjamin's cool rolling backpack! He had NEVER seen one before, and thought that it was the coolest shit he had ever seen. Honestly, he was fucking with it. It was fire.

Rubbing his palms together in front of his face, standing straight-legged with his feet shoulder width apart, Draco slurred, "aw fuuuuuuuuuq"

"Oh, I fucks wi that. Shiiiiiiiiiii. Dawg! You wanna do Molly with me?" As he rubbed his mouth and chin area with one hand and then pointed a little to play it off as casual, he approved of this boi in front of him.

At this point, I find it prudent to describe Draco Malfoy's OOTD:

He was wearing today on this day, a Supreme shirt, some khaki chubbies with pink flamingoes embroidered on them, some black Nike tube socks with aliens drinking pilsner that says 420 on them, and vintage Adidas Gazelles. He also had a huge Michael Kors watch, which had a bit of coors light loose inside of it, an I heart boobies bracelet, and a patagonia fishing snapback. And a middle finger ring, that's really wide but just plain black. Also, he had a tattoo of a middle finger flipping off a paper airplane. And he also had a ticket to Fyre in his back pocket (FRAUD).

"Brother, I can't believe how fire your b-pack is. Is that Balenciaga?"

Benajmin was caught off-guard by the sheer fuckboyness of Draco, and the fact that he wasn't making fun of him, since that seemed to be people's default towards Benn.

"Um, actually, I think my gran got it at Ross. It's a Jansport."

"Jansport? Never heard of it...must be fire though. Lemme look it up on my H7 HVAC Shark Dyson roll the diceon, bison 4G LS burger tooth now with better camera than ever slim fit underwaterproof fitbit LS 4G 5G 6G 8G phone Android Motorolla camera phone. Lol lemme just finish this porn I was watching while doing squats first tho."

Draco finished watching the porn. It was about a woman who went for a tennis jog out on a particularly sweltering day. She got inside after her trip to jogging and was hot so took off her tennis bracelet. And panties. And then like 3 men came out of nowhere and the storyline dropped and they prone-boned her. But she wanted it. Draco's not a bad guy, he's just a fuckboy. He's into consent though. Consent is the hottest thing he can think of. He can't think of much bc he has a small brain condition. That's why he wears these clothes.

Then he turned the porn off and it went to his wallpaper, which was a photo of his hand grabbing a woman's bare ass in Calvin Klein bikini thong. She has varicose veins. It's an epidemic here in England. But it's actually gaining popularity thanks to the #veriNOTgrossveins movement. It gained a lot of momentum when celebrities like Joey Potter and The Lion King and Danny DeVito all shared photos of their varicose veins on social media.

Varicose veins are the second hottest thing Draco Malfoy can think of.

Benjamin huffed in disappointment that there weren't any french pstries. But luckily, he always carried an emergency baggie of Fairbanks Butt-Treats ™ in his rolling backpack for moments like these. It's not easy being diabetic, but someone had to do it. Being accepted by people lowers insulin levels. Scary stuff. So he broke open them Fairbanks Butt-Treats ™ and ate a few. Even though they're supposed to be taken rectally. They taste like dog treats. Come to think of it, they taste like dog treats.

Draco slurred his speech and hastily asked, "yo what house are you in? I can technially only be friends with Slythies, bc we're racist frat boy brothers. You in?"

Benjammin was embarrased and bashful about this subject… "actually, they forgot to sort me...I've just been sleeping on a bench in front of that one out of service girl's lavatory on the east wing since I got here...It's not so bad...sometimes I find crackers on the floor...and sometimes, if I'm lucky, I see a house elf scurry out from the floorboards and masturbate in the corner to an ear of corn, or a yahoo image print out of a ear of corn, or a magic ear of ususally breaks up the long night when I get my coughing fits from the malaria I picked up from eating rat-crackers off the ground."

Draco inserted, "Oh yeah, that's Dobby. We call him 'Dabs' bc he's that fucked up. Have you ever done dabs? They're pretty sick. They get you real fucked up. My brother once hallucinated on them. He saw house-elves, it was crazy. I can't believe that."

Ben didn't respond because he was coughing up blood due to malaria and probably diabetes too, and puberty, which had just hit him pretty hard.

"Dude, what's up tonight? Come to the Slyth common room with me tonight and we can haze you into our frat. I promise it'll be fire. A promise is a promise, bruh, and I'd never leave a brother hangin." Draco flossed and had vocal fry that whole time.

They toddled down the hall to the common room like a couple of queef queens.

Kakashi was texting Hemmroids.

"Hey cutie, just found your number in my dick pocket. What a sweet little thing to do to me. I'm guessing this means you want a date or something. Drinks later? I found a cute little bar down the street, called Gurgle, we could meet there. How's 7 sound?"

SEND

;)

Herm nearly got out of her mind when she saw that. She DID McFreakin lost it. Here she was, getting on a date with an older guy! HAWT! But who knows how old Hermione is. We actually never card her. So we don't know.

She primped.

She showed up at Gurgle at 7, looking around for Kakashi. She saw him. He saw her. His jaw dropped. And here's why:

Hermione was wearing assless galaxy print leggings with purple fringe around the butt. She had a tattoo on her butt that said "Cooter Taint" with flames around the letters. She had on bejeweled lime green and elektrik purple air jordans on her feet, but the toes were cut out for a more casual look, and you could see her toenails that had x-mas designs on them. You could also see her #2cyoot toe hair. It was straightened for the occasion. She was also wearing a sexy crop-sweater that was made of felted dog hair that said "SEXAY VIRGINZ" on the front across the bewbs. She also had a hat that looked like Gerard Way.

It was the hottest thing since toast.

Their date went well. There was lots of flirting, and winking, and mostly just Kakashi talking for like hours. Without stopping. But I guess in a hot way. Idk. hermione just stared at the inside of his mouth and moth the whole time. And Tim. Finally, she placed one greasey, fry-juice and cilantro-smelling finger on Kakashi's lips, and said, "your crib, or mine? Cradle robber."

And with that, they went to the girl's dormitory to fuck, because Kakashi is homeless.

They did that whole thing like in the movies where they storm in through the door making out and the girl is straddling him and they frantically knock things over and he pushes her against the wall. And lifts her above his head 6 feet in the air against the wall still though, and eats her out. There were cobwebs in the doinkal region, because Scrooge McDuck never went down on her when they were dating. Also, he had a corkscrew penis and that would be weird.

Once she was good n slippery with Kakashi's treesap spit juice, he let go and she crashed to the ground while he undid his pants to reveal….A BIG ROOT. like a whole root system. Good for hentai stuff and all. He also had one tentacle. But that's not related to his transplant thing. He's just a freak in the sheets.

She brushed against his penile root, which also he had turnips for balls, with those little root hairs and a little bit of dirt and compost and manure still clumped on from when he was plucked from Mother Earth's birthing canal, aka the dirt with worms.

He also had an earthworm, but that's just his friend, Worm Vincent, who is also a very supportive boyfriend and aspiring MTV skater star.

It grew. Leaves.

Everyone in the dormitory woke up, and was woke. Not because of the loud noises, but because they felt the worm's presence, and that's just freaky. PERVERT!

"PERVERT!" said a girl named Horny Sage. That's my god-given name, wanna fight about it? Fucking bitch. Except noone said her name out loud.

They ignored her.

Rubbing, Kakashi put his root system into her warmth, and invaded her, sexually and with consent. He explored her insides with his roots, going all up in her uterus and shit. And he went ahead and got all the babies out, to make room for his own. But it wasn't abortion. We're pro-life.

So he flung them down and let's forget about it. Don't worry. Pro-life.

It was heaven to be infiltrated and plundered in a planty kind of botany way.

In an attemp to talk dirty to me, Herm Herm spewed fervently, "I've always considered being a herbology major. But I never thought I'd get this close to a plant before, except for my weed, which I feel a spiritual connection to bc it's a really spiritual experience and brings me down to earth to smoke." She said, and then that sent him over the edge and his stamen dropped, and he pollinated her ass.

Sticky with plant nectar, she then um stopped. And it was done. END SCENE.

Everyone in the girl's dormitory came down with a stomach bug immediately following the crude herby sex act. Beacuse it was weird and gross, and only freaks would ever think something like that up, and then share it with the world. Most of them died from this stomach bug, because Hogwarts had a lot of budget cuts this year thanks to Albus Bumble the App Door and his shitty budgeting, so they had to fire all of the nurses and magic nurses and so the children recieved no medical care.

THATS THE END OF THIS CHAPPIE! NOT CHAPPIE THE ROBOT FROM THAT TERRIBLE DIE ANTWOORD MOVIE, GOD. CHAPTER. THANKS 4 READING, WE LOVE ALL OF OUR SUPER DEVOTED FANS WHO LEFT REVIEWS. WE LIKE THAT. WE LIKE LIKE THAT. WE HAVE A LOT OF FANS. BC IT'S HOT IN HERE. SUMMER, AM I RIGHT?

#summerlovin #summernights #greasefire

"The love of a mother is the veil of a softer light between the heart and the heavenly Father" -Samuel Taylor Coleridge


End file.
